Virgin State of Mind
by Beautiful Midnight
Summary: Nagi gets a diary and reflects on the other members of Schwarz, especially his feelings for a certain Irishman. (Shounen-ai implications.)


((Author's Note - The song is "Virgin State of Mind", by K's Choice. The parts in *'s are the lyrics.))  
  
My name is Nagi Naoe, and I'm fifteen years old. I don't know what else to say.. I've never kept a journal before. Schuldig calls it a "diary", but that's something girls keep. Mine is a journal to keep my thoughts in. He told me that he'd read it until I pointed out that he could read my thoughts without looking in my journal, and then he agreed. I wish I was normal. All my life, I've been kicked around and left to die, but now I have a family, so to speak. Schuldig and Brad are the most fucked-up parents anyone could have, and Farfie is the crazy Uncle, or weird older brother.  
  
* There's a chair in my head on which I used to sit, took a pencil and I wrote the following on it. *  
  
I started thinking the other day about where we would all be if we weren't in Schwarz. I'd be on the streets or dead, I'm sure of it. I was meant to be a killer. My parents abandoned me because I was a freak, and no one's loved me since. Well, someone has, but if I thought about it, and Schuldig caught me, I would never live it down. Ever. It's that simple.  
  
* Now there's a key where my wonderful mouth used to be.. Dig it up and throw it at me *  
  
Brad would be a businessman in America. He would be a heartless C.E.O of some big company, working in stocks or something. And just around Christmas, he'd fire someone.. (Probably someone with a lot of kids.)He would probably have a trophy wife, too. He wouldn't love her, because I can't see him loving anyone. Not even Schuldig, although I'm not sure about them. They sure do fuck a lot. They must have permanent hard-ons. And they accuse -me- of looking at porn. Hah.  
  
* Dig it up and throw it at me *  
  
Schuldig.. He'd be in Germany still, and probably one of those tweaked out guys in gay clubs flirting with anyone. Maybe even a prostitute. He told me once that he used to sleep with a lot of guys back when he lived in Germany, and even did some drugs, but now he was clean. I'm sure if the chance arose, he'd take a hit.  
  
* Where can I run to, where can I hide? Who will I turn to? Now I'm in a virgin state of mind *  
  
Farfie confuses me sometimes. When he's taken the right medication, he seems almost normal. He treats me like an actual person, unlike Brad and Schu, who treat me like I'm five fucking years old. And he's smart, too. If Farfie wasn't insane and in Schwarz, he'd be some kind of a genius. "There's a fine line between genius and insanity." Sometimes I wonder if he treads back and forth over that line.  
  
* Got a knife to disengage the voids that I can't bear.  
  
To cut out words I've got written on my chair *  
  
When I first met him, I was terrified of him, but once I actually talked to him, he turned out to be Boo Radley. The others don't understand him, but I do. We're equals. They both treat us like children. I like spending time with him. When we go out in public, I always like the looks we get. Me, the "Bishounen" (as Schuldig always calls me), and the crazy guy with the eye patch and scars all over his face. He sounds cute when he tries to speak Japanese, too, with his Irish accent. Sometimes he gives up altogether and just curses in English. I think I know every English curse word there is now, thanks to him.  
  
* Like "Do you think I'm sexy?" Do you think I really care? *  
  
The first few months after I joined Schwarz, I had bad nightmares.. and when I got up to get a drink of water, I could hear Farfie awake in his room.. I spent a few nights curled up next to him while he sang to me. Surprisingly enough, Farfarello speaks Gaelic. It's a really pretty language, and makes for nice lullabies.  
  
* Can I burn the maze as I grow? Can I, I don't think so.. *  
  
Do I care for him? I think I do. I loved Tot.. Her and that damned rabbit. I think I loved her, anyway. I didn't want her to die. She felt like a sister to me, though.. And she did tend to get on my nerves.  
  
* Can I burn the maze as I grow? Can I, I don't think so *  
  
I want to kiss him, though.. and I don't know why. I don't even know if he would want to kiss me back. I'm just being stupid. I'm acting like a stupid little kid. Fuck it. It's stupid. He'd never notice me.  
  
* Where can I run to, where can I hide? Who will I turn to? Now I'm in a virgin state of mind.. a virgin state of mind.. *  
  
.. I don't know what else to write. This was a stupid idea, anyway.. And.. I don't know if I -could- tell him. He wouldn't believe me anyway. Hell.. -I- wouldn't believe me. Maybe someday. Who knows? "No one knows what the future holds in store." .. Well, Brad kinda does, but damned if I'll ask him. I'm just going to go to bed. Good night.  
  
* Virgin state of mind .. A virgin state of mind * 


End file.
